Before You Exercise, Smear Yourself in Food

Success Awaits

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Yes, I am still on my odyssey to regain my physical health, and I am happy to report that things are going quite well! Today, I believe I discovered a new motivational technique that might assist all of you as well: before you exercise, smear yourself in food. Let me explain.

Every other day I focus on cardio. I get up, drive to the YMCA, dodge all the naked men holding their post-football sports council in the locker room, and head to the elliptical machine. Always the elliptical machine. Why? First, I know I would fall on a treadmill and be tragicomically injured; I will get stuck in the tread on an endless loop like a Warner Brothers cartoon. If I am Sisyphus, then treadmills are the rock. Also, the elliptical machine allows you to move your arms—I have no idea if this matters, but my flailing arms give the appearance of significant effort, so I’m completely supportive of synchronous arm and leg movement.

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Pro Tip Interruption A

#1: If you are walking to where you exercise, don’t smear food on yourself until you arrive, as this may attract natural predators, including those from the Predator films.

#2: If you are driving to where you exercise, put a towel on the seat.

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Okay, so here’s what happened today…

I do three cycles on the elliptical machine, and I arrive musically prepared with an expertly curated Spotify playlist for each cycle. So, I’m just starting, maybe on song #2, when I smell something. Yes, being at the YMCA immediately lends the previous sentence negative connotations… but no, not only does it smell good; it smells delicious. This has never happened before; not once have I smelled something good at the Y. And to be clear, I’m hungry. I have had a pathetic piece of toast for breakfast with a limp piece of cheese on top (the “Kraft garnish”). I recognize this smell. It is a smell I love. It is a smell that floods my brain with fond memories, memories of satisfaction and unmatched glory.

It is peanut butter.

I love peanut butter! Then I look down.

I have a giant smear of peanut butter on my shirt. I was wearing said shirt the previous evening when I had toast (again) with peanut butter instead of cheese. It immediately dripped on my shirt, made me mad, and then I wolfed it down and forgot the whole incident. I put the shirt on this morning, pre-coffee, and did not notice the peanut butter. As I said, this was not a small smear of peanut butter, but more like if peanut butter had tires, ran me over, and left treadmarks behind.

Still, it smelled delicious. By the beginning of cycle #2 I am asking myself, “Can I lick this off my shirt and not break stride? Will anyone notice?” I try and look like a mannequin who has decided to get in shape. I cannot reach, as my tongue is not 18 inches long (for the record, I have never seen a mannequin with a tongue). Then I ask, “Can I wipe my face with the shirt, or will that just mean I have sweat and peanut butter all over my face and I then cannot lick my own face.”

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Pro-Tip Interruption B

#1: Do not try to lick your shirt while on an elliptical machine. Everyone can see you.

#2: Use the (food of your choice) as inspiration instead of nourishment

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So this is when I metaphorically turn the corner (elliptical machines do not turn)—I will use the peanut butter as inspiration! Not only is one of my jams playing (see: Sam Fender’s “Hypersonic Missiles”), but I can smell something delicious, something that surely awaits me at the finish line of today’s workout.

Then I’m really cooking with peanut butter. No one dares get on the elliptical machine next to me because not only do I smell delicious (or they have a peanut allergy), but even the fastest creatures would pale in comparison. I am ellipticaling myself toward the peanut butter future so fast that my legs are ablur, or they appear to be going backward like the rims on speeding cars.

I’m sweating, I’m moving, all my music is rocking, and I smell like one of mankind’s finest creations and am not embarrassed—not one bit—that it is all over the front of my shirt. In fact, I am now so confident that I will tell people, “Oh, I do this on purpose, every time I workout. It’s sort of how like people put peppermint on their temples when they have headaches, but different. You know?”

How do I know this method works? At the conclusion of my workout I had burned almost 1200 calories, breaking a record for me by nearly 1000.

It’s a brand-new day and I feel like a whole new person. If I can achieve these results, you too can smear yourself in your favorite food, go to the gym, and reach heights you never thought possible.

Thanks for listening.