The Event Horizon of Naming

It's Keegan's world, and we're just living in it

Brarnold BraxtonNegger

It never occurred to me that the names I grew up with—familiar human names—would go out of fashion and be replaced with a new kind of name-Latin that sounds entirely foreign to me. Of course this would happen. How did I not know this? Just as I grew up not knowing anyone named Atticus, Myron, Flannery, or Winifred, who am I to expect an endless birthing of Sue’s, Tom’s, Mike’s, and Jennifer’s?

I first noticed a disturbance in the naming force when my kids where in middle school, as their classes were crammed with Cooper’s and Brinley’s and Skylyn’s and Maverick’s. What the hell is going on? I thought. Because I am irrational, this bothers me. The names I grew up with are real, and all the names I will dissertate on now, unlike other names, are clearly invented and fake.

I quizzed my younger daughter with a question that followed the same formula: “Do you go to school with anyone named ____________?” Here are the abbreviated results.

• Sue: “No”

• Cathy: “No”

• Karen: “No”

• Sarah: “No”

• Mike: “No” (!)

• Scott: “No” 

• Jim: “No”

• Steve: “I’ll ask around.”

• Elizabeth: “I think there’s one.”

• Jenny: “She moved to Florida.”

You get my drift. I don’t think there is one “James” in the entire school district. James! James used to be as common in Wisconsin as cheese curds are in the bloodstream. No “Sue”? What gives? Instead, we have crossed the event horizon into pure name invention and a desire for uniqueness, onomatopoeia, or just straight symbolism.

I know that what follows will offend those who hold these names close to their hearts, but just assume I am referring to everyone but you: you’re one of the cool Keegans. Just as the days of Orville and Gaylord have long past, there are no more Chuck’s like myself. You have to admit, Chuck is an elegant name, almost French, simultaneously calling to mind a depressed cartoon character and the key ingredient for chili. Here’s the truth: it’s Keegan’s world now and we’re all just living in it.

What are the names that have taken over? Let me present a short and 100% factual and accurate list: Aiden, Brynleigh, Keegan, Freegan, Boom, Gunner, Maverick, Camo, Snowmobile, Braxton, Dalton, Pow, Ada, Kaylen, Skyler, Cooper, Rifle, Tank, Gas, Hailey, Jayden, Taylor, Kylee, Mackayleigh, Brayden, Mylee, Koogan, Tyson, Jet, Skeet, Bullet, Jaxtin, Tanner, Chase, Taxidermy, Easton, Yellowstone, and Karenlynlee.

I guess I’m mourning the lack of Sarah’s or June’s or Ruth’s, profoundly beautiful names. How about a Rachel? What about a good old Lawrence or Lucy? I’ll even take a John at this point. Who are the brave souls who will name their child after Oscar Wilde or Virginia Woolf without choosing “Wild” or “Wolf” instead? Who are the parents bold enough for “Virgil” or, if we’re walking right up to the edge, “Mary” or “Shelley.” Don’t people name their offspring after months or days anymore? Or is it now just Februleigh’s and Fryden’s? (One of my cats’ names is “Rocco,” which I find traditional for some reason. He reminds me of my partial Sicilian heritage and also runs the catnip racket in our house.)

All of this will also pass, as AI will soon be choosing our names for us, because, why not? IT’S THE FUTURE! There will be a time when Keegan will sit as mournful as I am now, himself having crossed the event horizon into “old-timey” names, replaced by the AI baptized Replikai’s, Jackai’s, Ozai’s, Kandroid’s, and Cyberdyne’s.

You know how a dog sees another dog across the street and is clearly feeling Oh, one of me, right over there! Let us break free from our leashes and share aromas! That’s me now when I hear a name like “Andrew” randomly called out in a room. Andrew! It is me, Charles! We are both named after royal family members of deeply dubious character, but at least we’re traditional. Let us conversate about today’s interesting tidbits in the classifieds.