The Greatest Christmas Film Ever Made
Gun-Free Entertainment #2: Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas
Hello friends! An incredible holiday giveaway! As this site remains free, you can still subscribe for free! So…
Since ‘tis the season, I felt the second installment of Gun-Free Entertainment should be inspired by the holidays. Let me get right to it: not only is Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas the best Christmas movie ever made, it is low-key the best Muppet production of all time. In fact, it may be the Citizen Kermit of Muppet films.
Here are some delights that await you in Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas that are not guns or people being hurt by guns; they are also a few of my favorite things:
Otters
A Jug
A washtub (the film’s essential symbol)
A song about the washtub
The legend of a rather sizeable otter grandmother
A kick-ass jug band
A cigar-box banjo played a musical muskrat
A kazoo, I believe also played by the musical muskrat
A washboard played by a Beaver, who also had the genius idea to form the jug band
A porcupine who plays the jug and loves mashed potatoes
A talent show with entirely local, all-animal talent, as well as unionized stage hands
A dastardly gang of one-town-over puppet thugs (they’re from Riverbottom, so we all know the deal)
The leader of said “thugs” is Chuck, so not only do I love him, but he has “Chuck” stitched on his jean jacket. I know what I want for Christmas!
A rat who completely shreds on the guitar
Kermit getting bullied
Muppet-caused vandalism at a local business
The greatest line of cinema ever uttered (or shall I say, ottered), “We’re not birds! We’re a jub band!”
Otters playing on the ice
The most detailed puppet-related scenery in any movie, ever (Seriously, you will notice and your jaw will drop at the film’s full commitment to its world building)
A controversial song about, and titled, “Barbecue”
A song called “The River-Bottom Nightmare Band” (!)
The Nightmare, the band which performs “The River-Bottom Nightmare Band” (!), which is hands-down the greatest performance in a holiday film, ever. How this song did not win an Academy Award is, frankly, insane. (The winner? Freaking Debbie Boone with “You Light Up My Life.” Whatever.)
Gymnastic squirrels doing all kinds of olympic things
A semi-asshole of a fox
A true, meaningful statement about good intentions, good fortune, good family, and good friends.
What more can you ask for? Now, the most important fact about Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas is that it’s kind of a secret, a festive mystery of sorts. Across the nation, and possibly the world, there exist small societies of people who know this film, love this film, and thus join together as small (jug) bands of do-gooders who are required to tell everyone they know about Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas. I am one of them, and I am inviting you to join the band. I firmly believe that simply watching the film makes you a better person, no matter how good you are already. It turns you from grande good into venti good. This movie is so wonderful, it makes It’s a Wonderful Life seem like, Whatever, it’s Life.
I first saw this film in 1978, when it premiered on American television. I watched it with my wonderful sister, and she has also watched Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas every year since, thus passing on the tradition to her own children. My kids, in the other room mere minutes ago, could be heard saying, “Remember, tonight we watch Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas.” They are teenagers. The fact that this film exists for this time of year truly means a lot to me and all my loved ones. I’d watch it on my deathbed if I could.
If you have never seen this film, you must (it’s definitely available via streaming, or else I would send you my DVD via the original Netflix). Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, you must see this film, because in the end it’s really about cool puppets, masterful scenery, a soundtrack better than Saturday Night Fever, and just feeling warm inside and knowing that the world can indeed be good. And look, I know Die Hard is a Christmas movie of significant merit, but what’s one holiday season without Hans Gruber, John McClean, and all their many many guns? Take a year off; we’ll all be fine. And if I can quote Doc Bullfrog, the local entrepreneur in Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas, “It turns out that all you needed was each other.” It’s true. We can do this. We will be watching Emmet Otter’s Jug-Band Christmas tonight, and you should too. Please tell me how great of an experience it was in the comments.
Have a great holiday everyone.
