The Medical Community Needs an Illness-Naming Task Force

Celine Dion Deserves Better!

With the Olympics playing out in my peripheral vision, as well as my reaching pg. 300 in Les Misérables, France is on my mind. Among the first wave of Parisian storylines is the triumphant return of Celine Dion. Good for her! I’m not a dedicated fan, but so what—if someone genuinely overcomes adversity to do what they love, it’s a good thing.

Notice the right hand giving the full-on metal sign! We see you, Celine.

NOTE #1: Nothing I write here is meant to poke fun at Celine Dion.

NOTE #2: However, I am here to skewer the failing imaginations of those in the medical community tasked with naming illnesses.

Celine Dion has been suffering from a rare illness called… “Stiff Person Syndrome.” Really? Stiff person syndrome. This is the best the medical community could come up with? Talk about totally mailing it in and not showing up for work! Are you kidding me? It’s like someone brought a one-slide Powerpoint to the meeting that read:

Well done, MD losers. At least now I know that many of my daily symptoms are the result of Old-As-Hell Syndrome. The next time my stomach growls, I will consult Web MD for the causes of Empty Stomach Syndrome. The phrase “muffin top” thinks Stiff Person Syndrome is lazy.

Human illness is one of the areas where euphemism proves both welcome and useful. It saves people from embarrassment and from being on the receiving end of a lot of dumb jokes. I mean, we’re all thankful for the term “Irritable Bowel Syndrome,” right? “Loose Stool” is a perfectly welcome euphemism for both digestive discomfort and my aging office chair. The geniuses behind Stiff Person Syndrome were like, “Euphemism be damned!” Thus, no matter how much pain someone might be in, men on barstools everywhere are making “stiff person” jokes as we speak. They write themselves.

Even The Guardian couldn’t avoid awkwardness here, as they wrote an entire piece titled, “What is Stiff Person Syndrome and Can It Be Treated?” The article explains, “Stiff person syndrome (SPS) is a rare autoimmune neurological disorder that can cause progressive muscle stiffness and painful spasms in the lower back, legs and torso.” (And no, shortening Stiff Person Syndrome to “SPS” isn’t enough to make amends.) This is the best name the scientific community could attach to a “rare autoimmune neurological disorder”? What, was hyper-inflexia already spoken for? Did none of the medical professionals involved think to consult with drug companies, who have ushered medical taxonomy into an entirely new dimension? I swear, if there was an epidemic of ear-wax buildup, you can bet you’d see a commercial for “Symphonzia” in 5 capitalist minutes. 

My theory? This disease was named on “bring your child to work” day. There is no other explanation. If Marvel Comics has a long-running villain (pun intended) named “Stilt Man,” then expect “Stiff Person” to be battling Daredevil in Hell’s Kitchen very soon. All those people in the morgue? Dead Person Syndrome. Those people reaching for the tissues? Booger Nose Syndrome. Restless Leg Syndrome is embarrassed for these folks.

You know you’ve failed at naming something when having “a cold” is more dignified in terms of public admission. What the heck does “a cold” even mean? This is a super euphemism—a supermism, if you will. Yes, we know the symptoms, but none of them relate to truly being cold. In the universe of Stiff Person Syndrome, the cure for the common cold is putting on mittens and a jacket. I am clammy, can’t stop coughing, and am likely running (along with my nose) a fever. I have “a cold.” Winter is coming.

Calling this most common of illnesses “a cold” is ridiculous, but at least people know what you mean! If you have to write a whole article explaining “What is Stiff Person Syndrome,” then just assume the literal-name approach is not only embarrassing, but it’s also NOT WORKING. I asked one of my daughters what she thought Stiff Person Syndrome might be and she responded in the form of a question: “Someone who doesn’t stretch?”

We also have an accuracy problem. Stiff Person Syndrome? The whole person is, in fact, not stiff, only part of the person is affected by said stiffness. How are we to know which part of a person is suffering stiffness? Not to mention, a person is more than their physical whole—we refer to people, or a person, as a way of commenting on a human being. Still, rigor mortis will be seeing Stiff Person Syndrome in court.

Any of us could have done better than Stiff Person Syndrome, even if given a mere five minutes. Why? We know of the thesaurus. Let’s give it a try. Here’s 60 seconds of work:

• Impliable Tissue Syndrome (ITS)

• Nerve-Osteo Tightness (NOT)

• Thoracic Over Obstinance (TOO)

• Dorsal and Muscular Nonflexibility (DAMN)

• Tendons Or Underside Glute Hardening (TOUGH)

Kudos to Celine on her return and to all her excited fans.

Non-kudos to medical naming (mal)practitioners. Your hearts will not go on. They will not be like treasures, buried at the bottom of the ocean.